I remember that time I went on a date with a guy who looked exactly like Ryan Gosling, only to discover he spent the entire evening mansplaining the history of cheese. (True story.) It was a harsh reminder that sometimes, our obsession with finding "The One" – that perfect puzzle piece who slides effortlessly into our lives – can lead to some seriously cheesy disappointments.
We're bombarded with this idea of a soulmate, that magical person who completes us, like the last slice of pizza into our hungry heart. (Okay, maybe that's just me again. But seriously, pizza is life.)
But let's trade in our rose-colored glasses for a dose of reality and have an honest conversation about finding love in the wild west of modern dating. Is this relentless pursuit of a soulmate setting us up for failure? Are we chasing a fantasy that's more likely to leave us with crumbs than a satisfying relationship?

“The one" dilemma

The idea of a soulmate is undeniably romantic. It whispers promises of effortless connection, unwavering love, and a happily-ever-after straight out of a Disney movie. But here's the thing: life is rarely a Disney movie. (And let's be honest, even those have their fair share of drama.)
Holding onto the belief that there's only one person out there who can make you happy can be a recipe for disaster. It sets the bar impossibly high and can lead to endless searching and a whole lot of disappointment. One of our Couplers, let's call her Sarah, shared how this mindset led her to constantly compare her partners to an idealized image, leaving her feeling perpetually dissatisfied.
"I was always waiting for that 'spark' to ignite," she confessed, "but in reality, I was sabotaging my chances at finding real connection."

The settling spectrum

Now, before you start throwing tomatoes (or, more likely, angry emojis), let's talk about settling. Because here's where things get tricky.
Settling doesn't mean lowering your standards and ending up with someone who treats you like a lukewarm cup of instant coffee. It's about recognizing the difference between non-negotiables and things you can be flexible on. It's about understanding that no one is perfect, and that even the most amazing partners will have their quirks and flaws.

Finding your realistic standards: where to start

Okay, so how do you actually figure out what your realistic standards should be? It's time for some introspection, my friend. Here are a few steps to get you started:
1. The values deep dive: Grab a journal (or your Notes app) and get real with yourself. What values are truly non-negotiable in a partner? Think big-picture stuff: honesty, respect, kindness, ambition, a similar outlook on life. These are your foundations, the things you absolutely won't compromise on.
2. The dealbreaker detective: What are those instant "nope" qualities that make you want to run for the hills? Maybe it's a lack of emotional intelligence, a disregard for personal space, or a fondness for quoting Nickelback. (Hey, no judgment here.) Identify those dealbreakers and own them.
3. The "nice-to-have" list: Now for the fun part! What are those qualities that would be awesome, but not essential? Maybe it's a shared love for hiking, a passion for cooking, or an uncanny ability to parallel park. These are your bonus points, not your must-haves.
4. The reality check: Time to get real with yourself. Are any of your expectations rooted in fantasy or societal pressure? Are you holding onto outdated beliefs about gender roles or relationship dynamics? Are you expecting your partner to fulfill needs that you should be meeting yourself? Challenge those assumptions. Dig deep and ask yourself: Why is this expectation important to me? Is it truly realistic, or am I setting myself up for disappointment?
5. The self-reflection mirror: Take a good, long look in the mirror (metaphorically speaking, of course). What do you bring to the table? Honesty starts with yourself. Are you embodying the qualities you seek in a partner?

High standards vs. unrealistic expectations: know the difference

This is where self-awareness comes in. You absolutely should have high standards! Wanting a partner who respects you, supports your dreams, and makes you laugh until your stomach hurts is not too much to ask.
But expecting them to be a mind-reader who anticipates your every need and flawlessly aligns with every single one of your interests? Yeah, that might be pushing it.

Here's a quick reality check:
High standard: Wanting someone who communicates openly and honestly.
Unrealistic expectation: Expecting them to always know what you're feeling without you saying a word.

High standard: Wanting a partner who shares your core values.
Unrealistic expectation: Expecting them to have the exact same taste in music, movies, and hobbies.

The takeaway?

Finding love isn't about finding a perfect clone of yourself. It's about finding someone who complements you, challenges you, and makes you want to be the best version of yourself. It's about building a genuine connection based on mutual respect, shared values, and a whole lot of laughter.
So, ditch the fairytale, embrace your awesome self, and remember: you deserve a love that feels real, not a fantasy that leaves you feeling empty.